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6th over: South Africa 22-0 (Petersen 20, Smith 2) These are not great signs for England I’m afraid. We’re all doomed. Petersen drives Broad handsomely for four, works another boundary off the pads – and again keeps the strike with a single off the final ball. It’s England v Petersen at the moment, and they’re not even winning that battle.

“Why shouldn’t we be critical of the two Andys?” says Tom Collins. “I’ve always thought England’s recent success has been in spite of, not because of, their negative field placings. Can’t understand how Jimmy and co put up with having just two slips for their opening spells.” I didn’t say we couldn’t be critical. It’s just that I’m personally loath to be too critical of two men whose obvious brilliance has produced unprecedented success for English cricket. I’d also strongly dispute the suggestion that England’s success has been in spite of those fields. There are times when I’d like them to be more attacking – this morning is one of them – but to suggest that should have four slips most of the time ignores the enormous changes in the nature of batsmanship in the last 15 years. Those 1980s fields are about as relevant today as fingerless gloves and Wet Wet Wet.

5th over: South Africa 13-0 (Petersen 11, Smith 2) A big outswinger from Anderson, on a straighter line, turns Petersen round again. That’s the line. There’s an inside edge onto the pads later in the over, and England clearly fancy Petersen as a latter-day Liebenberg. But getting him out is not really the issue. They need to get Smith on strike while the ball is new; he has faced only four of the 30 deliveries so far and won’t be on strike at the start of the next over.

“Finally some decent sport to watch (well listen to, well read about, but you know what I mean),” says Chris Drew. “It seems to have been ages since the last Test finished, and we’ve had nothing to fill our days. Or have I missed something???” Er, hello? Phil Taylor beating James Wade 18-15 in a brilliant World Matchplay final? I actually watched the darts last Friday rather than the opening ceremony. This makes me a despicable human being, I know.

4th over: South Africa 10-0 (Petersen 8, Smith 2) Michael Holding, it’s fair to say, is not entirely enamoured with England’s field for Graeme Smith, with five on the leg side. It’s been a fairly quiet start, perhaps quieter than you’d like when you win the toss and bowl. South Africa will be happy enough with this start. You could argue that England’s policy of bowling dry isn’t conducive to winning the toss and bowling first. Then again they did that and bowled Australia out in double figures at Melbourne two years ago. Nobody knows anything.

“Black Thought might have one of the worst emcee pseudonyms of all time,” says Daniel Harris, “but he had this one right.”

3rd over: South Africa 8-0 (Petersen 7, Smith 1) Petersen looks a little jittery, as you would be if you contributed the square root of eff all to a total of 94 million in the previous Test. I’d like to see a slightly more aggressive field here, with the drive invited, but it’s hard to be too critical of the Andys. Petersen, groping awkwardly, is beaten by the last delivery of a decent Anderson over.

“Can I put myself up immediately for pillory and abuse by saying that leaving Swann out is the right decision,” writes Rupert Hawksley. “Maybe publish this now and then ignore it for ever more if we lose but herald me as the new CMJ if we win.”

2nd over: South Africa 6-0 (Petersen 5, Smith 1) Stuart Broad will share the new ball, with only two slips and a gully for Graeme Smith and a 4/5 field. That means a very straight line to Smith, who works his first ball off the pads for a single. Smith became a father between Tests; many congratulations to him. His new daughter is called Cadence Smith. Maybe Mr and Mrs Smith like the third American Pie film, or cycling. Anyway, Petersen chases a very full, very wide delivery from Broad that whistles past the outside edge, and then he gets a late inside edge for a single. It’s swinging a little, if not lavishly. This first hour is so important, psychologically as much as anything.

“Do they really think James Taylor is going to help them win the game more than Swann?” says Andrew Hurley. “That is what it comes down to. I would probably only expect a further 15 runs from him than Swann could provide, and is that worth sacrificing a potential match winner? Of course not. All because they are too rigid with their decision to stick with 4 bowlers. Prior is more than good enough to bat at 6, and their tail would still be better than South Africa’s. Madness, and a lack of bravery, to really go for it. Delighted Finn plays though.” If they were ever going to drop a batsman, it certainly wouldn’t be at Headingley – their last Test here, in 2009, was the one that put them off leaving a batsman out.

1st over: South Africa 4-0 (Petersen 4, Smith 0) Jimmy Anderson will of course take the first over. I’d be tempted to give the second over to Steven Finn – partly because he’s a potential monster and partly to give Stuart Broad a slight boot up the derriere after his listless performance at The Oval. Anderson gets some swing straight away, and Petersen is turned right round by the third ball, which flies off the edge and through the vacant fourth-slip area for four. It was all along the ground, although Mikey Holding on Sky feels strongly that England need another man in the cordon.

“I’ll try and stay cool,” says Steven Pye, “although I recently asked my eight-year-old daughter if she thought I was cool, and she gave me a look of utter contempt and walked off. So I may struggle I’m afraid. I’m also a little concerned about leaving Swann out, but I’m guessing only time will tell if it is a wise decision or not. I’m really trying my best here to stay cool….”

“Every day is a gift – that’s why the call it the present.” That’s what the man said. So today, 2 August 2012, I’d like the gift of swing please. That’s all. No lottery wins or Hollywood seductions in stuck elevators. Just a swinging ball please. England must take early wickets here.

England also took a lot of stick for omitting the spinner against South Africa at The Oval in 1994. And looky what happened then. Is it the right decision this time? I have no idea. But I’m sure we’ll all have very strong opinions on the matter in five days’ time. It certainly has a whiff of desperation but then, as anyone who was still in JJs nightclub in the 1990s as the slow songs came on at 1.45am (“My mind’s tellin’ me no…”) will tell you, desperation isn’t always a bad thing.

The last time England went into a Test without a proper spinner was at Headingley in 2003. They picked five seamers then – and were stuffed by South Africa. English spinners tend not to do well on this ground (the third last English spinner to take a Test wicket here was Mike Atherton), but it’s still a huge call.

England left the spinner out at Headingley a lot in the 1980s and 1990s – usually with disastrous consequences. Australia made 600 in 1989 and 1993; Pakistan made 500 in 1996. Then again, England left out the spinner in 2000 and bowled West Indies out for 61. And when they did pick a spinner in 1997 and 2008, Australia and South Africa got 500. They also picked a spinner in 2002 when India got 600. Nobody knows anything, not at Headingley. Although bowling well is always a good place to start.

England have won the toss and will bowl first. They’ve omitted Graeme Swann and will play four seamers, with Steven Finn coming into the team. That’s a fascinating and risky decision. James Taylor makes his Test debut. South Africa, unbelievably after that performance at The Oval, are unchanged. The sun is out at Headingley, and Graeme Smith says he would probably have batted.

England Strauss (c), Cook, Trott, Pietersen, Bell, Taylor, Prior (wk), Bresnan, Broad, Anderson, Finn.

South Africa Smith (c), Petersen, Amla, Kallis, de Villiers (wk), Rudolph, Duminy, Philander, Steyn, Morkel, Tahir.

Preamble In 1819, when the self-educated mill-worker William Collins began to dream of knowledge for all and chose to devote his life to creating a dictionary, he probably did not envisage a day when it would include words and phrases such as chavtastic, brand Nazi, soz, busty, beer o’clock, Smythchic and LOL. Yet they are all there. As is bouncebackability, a strange and ugly word which sounds like it was invented by Timmy Mallett. It is the word on the tip of many fingers (nobody communicates verbally any more, grandad) ahead of the second Test between England and South Africa at Headingley. Stuart Broad even put it on a hashtag.

There has been so much talk about the bouncebackability of this England
side, who will lose their No1 ranking to South Africa if they are beaten
here, that we have forgotten something equally important: South Africa’s,
er, pushonability. They have form for taking a series lead in
impressive-to-awesome circumstances only to struggle a little thereafter. As brilliant a side as they unquestionably are, there is a reason why they have won only three of their last nine series – and one of the main ones is that they have the lost the second Test in six of those series. There are still questions over their self-belief under pressure, especially with the bat, as
well as their subconscious ambition. They will be nervous too, especially
with the promised land in sight. This game is almost too important to
function.

In hindsight, it was always going to be like this. South Africa have taken
the lead in all five series in England since they returned to international
cricket in the 1990s, each time with a numbingly emphatic victory. Yet they
have won only one of those series, in 2008; even then they almost let a poor England side back in to the series. It took an innings of monumental mental strength from Graeme Smith to finish the job.

England are no longer a poor side. Such an assertion of the bleedin’ obvious should not be necessary, yet it feels like there has been a slightly excessive downer on the team since The Oval. Some people have even been saying they weren’t good in the first place. Of course they have problems – Andrew Strauss’s long-term form, Stuart Broad’s short-term form, Graeme Swann’s elbow, Kevin Pietersen’s mental state, the No6 position – but none are insurmountable. If the ball does a bit, and if both sides get an even share of conditions, I think England will win this game. (This is not your cue to
send gloating emails if South Africa stuff them again; we are all grown-ups,
even if this may not always be apparent.)

They may well lose, and if they do history will record their Test Championship reign as distressingly hapless. With England struggling to cope with being No1 and South Africa having struggled to cope with taking a series lead, you could argue that this is a match between two sides who are subconsciously uneasy with success. Chuck in the venue for this Test – Headingley, a hospice for logic – and it’s clear we have a deliciously unpredictable contest ahead. (Writes the eejit who just predicted an England win.) What we probably can predict is a positive result. There have been only two draws in the last 25 Tests here and none since 1996

For now everyone just needs to relax a bit, have faith in this England team
and enjoy what should be a storming Test match. I need you cool. Are you
cool?

• Spinner may need further surgery if problem persists
• Break after first Test ‘humiliation’ against South Africa helped

Graeme Swann will play his 44th consecutive Test at Headingley this week but he concedes that any further deterioration in his troublesome right elbow would force him to have a second operation –his “worst fear”.

Swann was given a fortnight’s rest and a cortisone injection in his elbow before the first Test against South Africa at The Oval, in which he failed to take a wicket in 52 overs as the Proteas piled up 637 for two and crushed England by an innings and 12 runs.

The 33-year-old dismissed fears that he might struggle to see out the series, claiming that his bowling is not being affected, and backed England to bounce back in the second Test which starts on Thursday from what he described as their “public humiliation”.

But the revelation that even a lengthy conversation on his mobile phone can immobilise Swann’s bowling arm was hardly designed to reassure at a time when there are major question marks over the international future of another of England’s senior men, Kevin Pietersen, and when their position at the top of the official Test rankings is on the line.

South Africa will displace them at the summit if they can clinch the series at Headingley and England would then be in danger of slipping to third behind Australia even before a daunting four-Test tour of India this winter.

“If it keeps deteriorating, I will undoubtedly have to miss some cricket,” said Swann, whose position in the Test bowling ratings has slumped from second to 12th over the last year.

“But it has not really deteriorated in the last three or four weeks – it feels better than it did. I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I don’t want to have another operation if I can help it because it’s horrendous. That is my worst fear at the minute.”

He has already had one major operation on the elbow, in Connecticut before the 2009 Ashes series. The surgeon removed 26 pieces of floating bone but had to leave three because they were too close to a nerve.

“There are bits of floating bone in there,” he continued. “He said they may cause a bit of grief now and then. It is little things, like if I hold the phone too long with my right hand I can’t use my arm for a couple of minutes – it just goes dead. During the one-day series it was really starting to ache.

“The break we had since really helped. I don’t think the [cortisone] jab has done anything to be honest. I reckon it was more a hope-for-the-best jab because nothing else seemed to work. The rest from bowling for a couple of weeks did it good. It felt great out of my hand and the body felt fine.”

Swann was speaking before England’s first practice session of the week at Headingley on Monday afternoon, and he made the surprising revelation that he had only just discovered that James Taylor, his Nottinghamshire team-mate, had been called into the squad for a probable Test debut following the withdrawal of Ravi Bopara for personal reasons.

“I don’t know anything about the Rav situation,” he said. “It is sad for him because he’s been in brilliant nick – until the Test match, obviously. I was backing him to score heavily this summer because of the way he’d been playing in those one-dayers.”

“He just seemed to have found something. He will be back, this won’t be it for him – I’d put my mortgage on it.”

But hSwann compared the task facing Taylor, the diminutive 23-year-old who joined Notts from Leicestershire last winter, against the formidable South Africa attack to the baptism of fire in which Michael Vaughan made his name in Johannesburg in 1999, when England were reduced to two for four.

“It’s all about taking your opportunities, and I’d back him to do it,” said Swann. “I’m absolutely delighted for him because he is a genuinely good bloke. And I think he’s good player, a serious player.”

The South Africa captain and opening batsman, Graeme Smith, rejoined the squad in Yorkshire after they had practised at Headingley morning, having returned home to Cape Town immediately after the first Test to attend the birth of his first child.

• Andy Flower insisted on ‘honest’ first Test post-mortem
• ‘I still think we can win series,’ says England spinner

Graeme Swann has never been one to mince his words, but even by his standards, the verdict the dressing-room joker delivered on England’s performance in the first Test against South Africa – and for most of the last 11 months – was excoriating.

“It was a sort of public humiliation by the end of it,” Swann said of the defeat at The Oval, in which England took two South Africa wickets in 189 overs, and lost 20 of their own in only 33 more. Moreover the team’s record of five defeats in nine Tests since they ascended to the top of the official world rankings after last summer’s whitewash of India had been “dismal”.

Perhaps he felt liberated to go public with such frank admissions after the playing and coaching staff had let rip themselves in a post-match debrief last Monday afternoon that was heated in more ways than one.

“Normally you can’t wait to see the back of each other after a loss and we disperse quickly,” Swann, who failed to take a wicket in 52 overs as South Africa won by innings and 12 runs, explained. “But the two Andys [the captain Strauss and the team director Flower] were quite keen to make sure we focused on it. So we sat down and got quite a bit of honesty from the group.

“It was a horrible two hours as it was about 300 degrees in that hot, sweaty changing-room. But I think it brought the best out of the situation as there was a lot of honesty, a lot of people raising their hands saying we should have done this better and that better.”

However Swann backed away from blithely predicting a fightback of the type that England produced after previous heavy defeats, by Australia at Headingley three years ago and Perth on the last Ashes tour.

“I said that in the winter against Pakistan and we were beaten 3-0, so I won’t be making any grandiose comments,” he added. “But historically we’ve played well after falling behind in a series. After one Test in this series we’re a very long way behind because of the nature of the loss, which was certainly the biggest I’ve been involved in.

“After a few days it doesn’t get any prettier. After the first day that went as swimmingly as it could have done, the wheels fell off the wagon – it was awful. I can’t really describe it in any other way. It was a sort of public humiliation by the end of it, fielding that long and then getting skittled afterwards.

“But I do still think we can win the series, I honestly do. I am an eternal optimist. If we viewed last week in black and white then we’re screwed and we have got no chance. But I don’t see it like that, I see it as we can’t possibly play as badly again.

“The wicket is going to be different. As individuals we have sat down and had a look at what we did last week and realised well, we’re not going to that again. That meeting was very good, it brought a lot of things to the surface.”

Swann was prepared to concede the scale of the latest defeat has affected England’s confidence. “Our self-belief will have taken a dent last week, because to get bowled out twice on that pitch was pretty inexcusable and to take two wickets in 190 overs was equally inexcusable,” he added. “But having had that meeting afterwards and everyone switching their focus to this game hopefully it will be water under the bridge. We’re behind now and people will come out fighting.”

The question of England’s long-term deterioration is, he conceded, more of a puzzle. “I can’t deny the fact that since we’ve been No1 we’ve got a dismal record. Whether that goes hand in hand with being No1 I don’t really know – you need someone more qualified with the workings of the human mind.

“We’re not doing anything differently. Perhaps that’s it, perhaps we’re not evolving quickly enough. Perhaps teams are hunting us down more, seeing us as a real threat now rather than maybe underestimating us before, I don’t know.

“Maybe we carried on evolving at the same speed as we always have done when we were chasing,” he continued. “Maybe there’s another level after going to No1 that we haven’t reached yet. I don’t think we have sat still, I don’t think we’re resting on our laurels.

“When you do lose and are in a bad run like we are people will inevitably start looking for reasons. I think it’s probably a whole collection of reasons that have come to a head and led to this poor form. But again if anyone could put my finger on why I’m sure they would, and they’d have done it after that first horrific Test in the UAE, and we wouldn’t have this problem. We just can’t seem to string together those huge innings and those dominant bowling performances that we did in Australia and for two years before that. We need to learn to do that again.”

Investec, the specialist bank and asset manager, is the title sponsor of Test Match cricket in England. Visit the Investec Cricket Zone at investec.co.uk/cricket for player analysis, stats, test match info and games

• Morne Morkel hails world’s No1 bowler for early breakthrough
• Matt Prior wary of removing ‘sunnies’ after Mark Boucher injury

They may have been a day late to the party, but the South Africa pace quartet felt they had made their point in taking the last seven England wickets for 114. “I think it was needed,” said Morne Morkel, who ended with the best figures of four for 72, although he gave Dale Steyn credit for leading the fightback.

“Dale’s the No1 bowler in the world and he can deliver something special like that any time,” Morkel said of the hostile morning burst in which Steyn fired out Alastair Cook and Ravi Bopara in consecutive overs.

“He put his peg in the ground and bowled with some good intensity. It’s great for Dale to get that rhythm. It fires me up to follow.” Morkel said of the match situation: “We’ll take that. Especially the way we batted after the rain.They were sitting pretty good overnight.”

Matt Prior, whose pugnacious 60 represented more than half of the runs eight England batsmen mustered between them on day two, shared Morkel’s admiration for Steyn, although he insisted he had relished the challenge. “In a sick kind of way it’s quite enjoyable,” he said. “He’s a world-class performer, and certainly when it was moving around this morning that made it a great challenge. That’s the times you look at it and think I’ve got to thrive on this pressure.”

He argued that England’s 385 still represented “a good score on that wicket now. It’s very attritional, it’s not easy to score runs, and if we can get early wickets in the morning we’ll be in a very strong position.” Prior agreed that Graeme Swann could be the key to that, especially if the slow turn he has generated thus far starts to happen more quickly.

He conceded that he had only removed his sunglasses late in the day when standing up to Swann with some reluctance, after the sickening eye injury suffered by his old sparring partner Mark Boucher in South Africa’s warm-up match in Somerset. “I did think about that when I took the sunnies off, but it was pitch black out there at the end,” Prior added. “It’s amazing how these things get in the back of your mind – I was keeping in a county game at Edgbaston last week and that’s the first time I’ve ever thought about it really.”

However, he insisted that the cortisone injection he had in an old achilles problem at the end of the West Indies series five weeks ago is no grounds for concern. He said: “Everything has gone positively. There is no pain in them now so touch wood it’s worked.”

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22nd over: South Africa 52-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 28, Amla 23) Tim Bresnan is coming on for Stuart Broad (10-4-20-0). This is his first Test against South Africa. His first spell is flipped through the leg side for three by Amla to bring up a calm and very accomplished fifty partnership.

“Here’s a quick cricket trivia question for you: Which GB 2012 Olympic squad boasts a member who has a first class century to their name?” says Phil Russell. “Extra points if you can name them.” No idea. Is it a trick question?

21st over: South Africa 48-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 27, Amla 20) “The trouble with a hip flask is it’s a bit of a give away if found,” says Phil Sawyer. “Geoffrey Smith should empty a two litre bottle of spring water and fill it full of vodka instead. The stewards should be clueless until you slump over the person sat in front of you and start frothing at the mouth.” And even that could feasibly just be a reaction to the sun.

20th over: South Africa 45-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 25, Amla 19) Broad switches around the wicket to Smith, who crunches him through midwicket for four.

19th over: South Africa 39-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 19, Amla 19) That’s a much better over for South Africa, with Smith and Amla milking Swann for five. “They always said that the sightscreen at St. John’s had to be enlarged as Curtly’s hand was so high up he was releasing the ball to a backdrop of the Antiguan hills,” says Adam Roberts. “What a bowler! Too often overlooked in discussions of great West Indian quicks, somewhat overshadowed by C Walsh’s records achieved mainly through remarkable fitness and longevity but not anything like the standard of Ambrose.” He did make Cricinfo’s all-time West Indies XI, mind.

18th over: South Africa 34-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 17, Amla 16) England are building pressure through dot balls. Another maiden from Broad to Amla, and we’ve had just seven runs in six overs since the resumption.

“Watching the Ambrose video, and I was wondering if anyone can match him for the style of his appealing,” says Joseph Streeter. “That way of clapping his hands and pointing directly at the umpire looks fantastic. The bowling wasn’t bad either.” Too right. That would definitely be in the Joy of Six: Cool Appeals. Dominic Cork’s groinbuster would not.

17th over: South Africa 34-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 17, Amla 16) A jaffa from Swann spits past Smith’s defensive grope to hit the back pad and prompt a huge LBW shout. It looked a touch high, and when Steve Davis said not out England decided not to review. Hawkeye shows it was indeed going over the top, although the extent to which that ball turned will encourage England.

“May I share my birthday present with you and the other follower?” says Ian Copestake. “My mum sent me a birthday card with a picture of Les Dawson in drag on it, and the following philosophical comment: ‘I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.’”

16th over: South Africa 33-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 17, Amla 15) Another quiet over from Broad, who isn’t making the batsmen play as much as he would like. These little sessions are always awkward for a batting side, although South Africa will be keen to accentuate the positive. If they close today on, say, 80 for one, and the sun shines tomorrow, they could put England under significant pressure.

“I’m following from a rather large meeting of a UN body in Geneva,” writes Stuart Hamilton. “Lord knows it’s good to have the OBO to keep an eye on during Friday night textual negotiations. Mmm, Friday night textual negotiations. Not much to report but I can tell you that the Indian delegate has apparently been seen streaming Indian cricket during downtime in discussions. Considering the nature of the institution I am currently in, this is rather interesting. No sign of the South African delegate this evening….”

15th over: South Africa 32-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 17, Amla 14) Swann has a short leg and slip for Smith. These two had an excellent battle back in 2009-10, in the second innings of the third Test I think. Smith defends watchfully in that over, a maiden. “Can anyone advise on the realities of the ban on alcohol being brought in to the ground?” says Geoffrey Smith. “If I conceal my hip flask somewhere about my wife’s person tomorrow, surely they aren’t going to find it with one of those airport scanner doo-hickeys, are they?” This sounds like the prologue to an episode of Carry On Cricket.

14th over: South Africa 32-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 17, Amla 14) It’s Stuart Broad at the other end rather than Jimmy Anderson. A quiet over, with no movement in the air or off the pitch, yields a couple.

“Thanks so much (and the brilliant Robelinda) for the Curtlyporn,” says Paddy Blewer. “There was a time in the 90′s where if you were or aspired to be a fast bowler, you wanted to be Curtley, even if you were a Brit/Irish skinny kid from South London. In what was probably the last great era for fast bowling around the world, Curtly stood out for me as the first name on my ‘team to play the Martians’ list.” As has been said before, it really was a golden age of fast bowling: Waqar and Wasim, Ambrose and Walsh, McGrath and Gillespie, Donald and Pollock, Gough and Caddick, Srinath and Prasad, Vaas and, er, Vaas.

13th over: South Africa 30-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 16, Amla 13) Graeme Swann is going to start this vital mini session. He has won Tests on this ground in 2009 and 2011 and is probably the likeliest match-winner for England. Amla tries to drive his second ball, which turns enough to take the inside edge before deflecting onto the pad not far wide of the stumps.

5.47pm Play will restart at 5.55pm, and we’ll have a maximum of 27 overs before the revised close at 7.30pm.

5.44pm I’d forgotten all about Jimmy’s haircut phase. Look at this.

5.42pm “Any chance of a mention for yesterday’s Chucks as we wait for play?” says Sam Collins. “It’s got analysis from Ken Clarke and some fortune-telling.”

5.36pm Here’s Tony Greig hailing the same wicket eight times in as many seconds. In fairness, it was a hat-trick ball.

5.34pm The title of this clip says it all really.

5.25pm The umpires are going to inspect in 15 minutes’ time. The sun is out and the forecast is decent, so we should get 20-25 overs.

5.11pm If you have no plans for the next eight minutes 58 seconds, please watch this magnificent video. It is porn of a sort, Curtlyporn, but it’s safe for work.

5pm Play can go on until 7.30pm, which is great news on a Friday evening. It looks like a lot brighter in, er, Kings Cross, and we probably will get a fair bit of play, around an hour and a half.

5pm This should cheer everyone up.

4.57pm Set your alarm for 9am tomorrow. Cricket AM has a mighty line-up: David Lloyd is co-presenting, and the guests include the Inspiral Carpets and Trigger from Only Fools and Horses.

4.55pm “Here is something that won’t cheer any cricket fan up I’m afraid,” says Rob Lee-Davey. “Watch it and weep.”

4.46pm It has stopped raining, but the clean-up job will take a while, maybe up to an hour according to David Gower on Sky. Anything to talk about?

4.43pm “He was Warne’s bunny, but when facing other bowlers Darryl Cullinan was one of the most graceful, elegance batsmen I’ve seen,” says Richard Mansell. “Some of his drives and cuts were examples of beauty in sport. Here he is putting England to the sword.”

A delightful talent. His second-innings knock in Devon Malcolm’s game was an innings of rare class and authority. He was the only one who wasn’t hurried. Apparently (I think this was in Allan Donald’s autobiography) he sat there in a vile mood while Malcolm cleaned up the top order, then when his turn game he banged his bat, shouting “Just effing watch me!” to the dressing room and marched to the crease to make a gorgeous 94. An overall average of 44 is very good for somebody who played in the 1990s.

4.36pm “Jimmy Anderson and Ryan Giggs – started off as young players capable of frustration and moments of natural genius in equal measure. Giggs couldn’t cross (city November ’93 excepted) and gave the ball away, whereas Anderson leaked runs (that unbelievable spell of 10 overs for 12 runs in the one-dayers in Australia is the exception),” says Jonathan Lewis. “Early career injuries, doubts and loss of confidence, followed by re-emergence as mature players with a complete understanding of their own game and masters of their sport. Giggs is less explosive, but more effective and since 2006 has had his most consistent game-changing period of his career. Anderson doesn’t bowl flat out but is in complete control of his bowling and is the world’s best swing bowler. Both are quiet guys who lead by example and are totally dedicated to their profession. Lastly, I don’t think either Giggs or Anderson are appreciated enough and it will only be in retirement that people realise just how good they were. What do you reckon?”

It’s a nice comparison but I’m not sure I completely agree. Giggs’s best years were between maybe 1997 and 2002, in my invariably humble one. I think his contribution in recent years has been overplayed a touch, with sentiment polluting many judgements. Do you think Anderson is underappreciated? I don’t get that sense personally, but I’m not on Twitter so I don’t really know these things.

4.25pm It could, I suppose, be worse.

4.22pm “If the clouds do let up, we shall have another late finish, which means more frantic work by Channel Five,” says John Starbuck. “There’s a job with pressure – cricket highlights editor working to snip the programme to the right length while the match is still on.” Too right. I’ve no idea how people manage to work so well with such tight deadlines.

4.16pm Some rain-break entertainment. Here’s the first ever six in one-day internationals, by Ian Chappell off Ray Illingworth, and here’s John Davison hitting one of the biggest sixes imaginable during the 2003 World Cup.

4.12pm Yes, yes, I typed crowds rather than clouds. What’s your point? Would you like some?

4.10pm It’s pelting down now, so heavily that you half expect a lovesick John Cusack to rock up. I’d say the players will be off for a while.

RAIN STOPS PLAY. 12th over: South Africa 27-1 (in reply to England’s 385; Smith 16, Amla 10) There are some seriously malevolent crowds loitering around The Oval, and the floodlights are too long, so you would expect the ball to swing for as long as the players are on the field. It might not be too long. Smith muscles Broad off the hip for two to conclude a quiet over, and now the covers are come on. There are a few boos. No idea why, as the rain is heavy enough. People like being offended these days.

Hello. We have a long evening session ahead: 41 overs to complete what has so far been an outstanding day’s Test cricket. Then we can all go the pub for Evan Fanning’s leaving do. At the moment I suppose you’d prefer to be in England’s pants, although these next few wickets will take a dealing of getting. Only two overseas batsmen in history – you’ll never guess who – have a higher average in England than Graeme Smith, while Jacques Kallis, AB de Villiers and Hashim Amla all average over 60 in Tests this decade.

TEA

11th over: South Africa 25-1 (Smith 14, Amla 10) Smith whips away another single off his pads – I might be mistaken but at least 13 of his 14 have come in the same area just backward of square leg. Tea, and perhaps the odd slice of flapjack or fruitloaf, is calling for bowler and batsman, but Amla has his mind on the game enough to drive Anderson neatly through the covers for four. And again – a carbon copy brings four more. And that’s tea. Rob Smyth will be here after the break to take you through a big final session. Tell him how glad you are to see him: rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk

10th over: South Africa 16-1 (Smith 13, Amla 2) Broad to Amla: dot, dot, dot, dot, dot … dot. Amla’s now faced 22 balls for his two runs. Just time to squeeze one more over in before tea.

9th over: South Africa 16-1 (Smith 13, Amla 2) Anderson (4-2-6-1) prods and probes at Smith like a surgeon investigating a particularly irksome ingrowing toenail. From the last he’s properly done by one that goes away but somehow doesn’t take the edge.

8th over: South Africa 16-1 (Smith 13, Amla 2) It’s spitting! IT’S SPITTING! But we should make it to tea I would think. Broad smacks Amla on the pad and appeals with plenty of oomph, but it’s going well over. Next up he’s beating the bat and thwacking the pad again. An over crammed full of threat and bursting at the seams with ominousness.

7th over: South Africa 16-1 (Smith 13, Amla 2) The umpires have a quick chat about the drizzle, but they’re going to battle on. Smith, who has the sort of batting stance that suggests he’s permanently cowering under an invisible deluge, shows what he thinks by playing and missing, then squinting angrily at the skies. Anderson scurries back to his mark in order to take advantage of the Saffer skipper’s discomfort, but can only offer him a four ball on the pads.

6th over: South Africa 11-1 (Smith 9, Amla 1) Broad again strays leggishly and Smith crunches him away for four in front of square.

5th over: South Africa 5-1 (Smith 3, Amla 1) So Anderson gets an early look at the first barrier in arguably the best three, four, five in the world. Amla averages 46 in England, but has only twice scored over 50 in his eight innings on these shores. “With Petersen falling for 0 and Bopara registering a duck too I see that Alastair Cook is still the highest-scoring Essex batsman today,” notes Paul Frame.

4th over: South Africa 4-1 (Smith 3, Amla 1) Broad beats Smith again with another cracker that shapes away and misses the edge by a whisker. He drifts on to the pads with a couple, though, giving the South African captain a couple of simple singles.

3rd over: South Africa 1-1 (Smith 1, Amla 0) A wicket maiden from Anderson.

WICKET! Peterson Pietersen Pyetrzen Petersen 0 lbw b Anderson (South Africa: 1-1) Anderson strikes early with a gorgeous piece of swing bowling. A couple go away, then comes the inswinger, homing in on Petersen’s pads like a heatseeker. It thwocks satisfyingly into the back pad, the finger goes up instantly and Smith quite rightly refuses to recommend wasting a review.

2nd over: South Africa 1-0 (Smith 1, Peterson 0) The in-form Stuart Broad takes the new ball at the other end and from his fifth ball produces the first false shot from Smith with one that straightens up. “Alviro Petersen spells his surname the same way I do (no relation),” writes Kat Peterson Pietersen Pyetrzen Petersen. “That is all.”

1st over: South Africa 1-0 (Smith 1, Peterson 0) Three slips and a gully as Anderson roars in to start things off. It’s a good time to bowl – clouds coming in again and the atmosphere enlivened by some lunchtime refreshment.

England emerge from their huddle to take the field. Smith and Peterson stride out to open the innings.

England: 385 all out. “Regarding Derek Harris’s 111th over e-mail,” writes Nick Williamson, “does he have any long odds tips for The Open?”

WICKET! Anderson 2 c De Villiers b Morkel (England: 385 all out) Anderson gets off the mark with a flick off his ankles, but next up he’s gone – a tickle off the gloves through to De Villiers to give Morkel his fourth wicket.

WICKET! Prior 60 c De Villiers v Morkel (England: 383-9) A very fine counterattacking innings from Matt Prior comes to an end. He’ll be annoyed with the dismissal – it was an airy push at a slightly wide one from Morkel – but he’s done an excellent job for his team.

125th over: England 383-8 (Prior 60, Swann 15) Tahir returns … and Swann paddle-sweeps for four. “Me thinks this is the difference between these two bowling attacks,” fate-tempts Martin Crosoer. “England’s can bat, South Africa’s can’t.”

124th over: England 379-8 (Prior 60, Swann 11) The latest forecasts suggest it should be raining by 4pm, but we’ve got sunshine at The Oval now. And England are in the ascendancy. A coincidence? Do I know what rhetorical means? Morne Morkel returns, but the pattern continues.

123rd over: England 376-8 (Prior 58, Swann 10) Swann pivots and, one-footed, smites Steyn away to cow corner for four. Two balls later he’s on the front foot, stroking a glorious drive through wide mid-off for four more.

122nd over: England 366-8 (Prior 57, Swann 1) The camera finds the policemen from the massively underrated sitcom Early Doors in The Oval crowd. This makes Bumble very happy.

121st over: England 365-8 (Prior 56, Swann 1) Those ominous clouds seem to have shuffled mercifully onwards. Steyn welcomes Swann to the wicket by smashing him on the helmet with a bouncer which results in a) a skull-rattling blow for the batsman and b) four leg byes. From the final ball he thwocks into Swann’s pads, but the strangled appeal fails to impress the umpire.

120th over: England 358-8 (Prior 54, Swann 0) Prior pushes for four to bring up his fifty. It’s been an innings split into two – survival followed by something approaching domination of the attack, certainly since lunch. If you were feeling harsh, you might suggest it’s been just the sort of innings that you’d hope for from your No6. The loss of Broad, though, breaks the spell.

WICKET! Broad b Philander 16 (England: 358-8) Philander grabs his first wicket with a jaffa, swinging in, romping through the gate, and clipping the top of the bails.

119th over: England 353-7 (Prior 49, Broad 16) Broad is struggling to cope with Steyn’s vicious nipple-high short balls, but the bowler just can’t find the edge. His mood isn’t helped by a bit of run confusion that leads to a couple of overthrows, nor by a sumptuous drive from Broad that races to the boundary.

118th over: England 344-7 (Prior 47, Broad 9) Philander strays wide and Prior – who has emerged from an early edgy staccato jazz phase into a period of stadium-filling anthems – cuts imperiously, thunderously for four. He’s one shot from a very, very useful half century.

117th over: England 339-7 (Prior 42, Broad 9) Fittingly, with what appears to be a cataclysmic brute of a rainstorm closing in over the pavilion, Steyn returns to the attack. Prior smites him for runs either side of the wicket – a couple chipped into the leg side, four guided at fielder-baiting pace through point. Broad doesn’t find things quite so easy – he’s twice a gnat’s wing away from gloving through to De Villiers as Steyn tunes up for some sweet chin music.

116th over: England 331-7 (Prior 36, Broad 8) Prior, you feel, holds the key here. A punchy 70-odd from him would see England into a very strong position. Philander continues after the extended break and keeps it tidy until overpitching with the final ball of the over – Prior straight-pushes effortlessly for four.

1.47pm: Good news! Here come the players.

1.41pm: BAH! The covers are on. Umbrellas are up. We have drizzle – perhaps a bit of that fine rain that soaks you through – so the afternoon session has been delayed.

Afternoon all. Either a mud-caked Winnie-the-Pooh has grabbed a balloon and taken to the skies above south London in search of honey, or there’s a few rainclouds about. But the latest forecasts suggest that The Oval somehow survives unscathed in a what appears to be a game of meteorological Battleships played with showers. Fingers crossed we escape because this match beautifully poised at the moment.

LUNCH

115th over: England 326-7 (Prior 32, Broad 8) Tahir drags one down, but Prior can only pull for a single. That leaves Broad facing the spinner he’s struggled to pick thus far. He’s beats him again and whaps him on the pad. Again the appeal is turned down, again there’s a review more optimistic than a snake in a shoe shop, and again it’s the umpire’s call. Broad was well outside the line. Another ball grips and turns and pops up off the bat, dropping safe. And this pair have survived through to lunch.

114th over: England 324-7 (Prior 31, Broad 7) Philander has never failed to take a wicket in the first innings of a Test – in fact, only once has he taken fewer than three. He’s yet to get one here. His second ball strays right into Broad’s slot and gets powerfully crashed away through the covers as a result.

113rd over: England 317-7 (Prior 30, Broad 1) Tahir is so quick in his approach for a spinner – he charges in like he’s just heard some good news that he can’t wait to tell the non-striker. England nudge and nurdle three singles.

112th over: England 314-7 (Prior 28, Broad 0) Philander returns for a quick blast before lunch, and he finds Prior’s edge once more. Again though soft hands and slow pitch conspire to see the ball drop short of the slips. Broad gets smacked resoundingly on the pad by an inswinger, is given not out, and we’ve got a review on our hands. It’s a may-as-well review, seeing as the Saffers have a couple spare, so it’s no surprise to see the ball clipping the outside of leg and the on-field call remaining intact.

111st over: England 313-7 (Prior 27, Broad 0) “Will 380 all out be enough to build a lead, or do we need more than 400 for security?” wonders Derek Harris in an email that is either a) optimistic to a point that would interest the men in white coats or b) was sent at 10.59 this morning and has only just arrived in my inbox.

WICKET! Bresnan 8 b Tahir (England: 313-7) Another one bites the dust, and again it’s a oddly sloppy dismissal. Imran Tahir comes on for his first spell of the day. Yesterday he found some turn – but nothing like enough accuracy – and the ball that does for Bresnan has neither really. It’s wide, too short … and bottom-edged onto his stumps by the batsman.

110th over: England 312-6 (Prior 26, Bresnan 8) Prior opens the face of the bat to guide Morkel away for four wide of the slips. Then it’s back to something more familiar – the ball somehow scooting past Prior’s bat as it wibbles nervously outside off. Then it’s four more – Prior rocking back and belting him through the covers. It’s a good contest now.

109th over: England 302-6 (Prior 17, Bresnan 8) Bresnan drops to his front knee to play the shot of the morning – a thrilling cover drive with potatoes and all the trimmings – to bring up England’s 300.

108th over: England 297-6 (Prior 17, Bresnan 4) Dropped! Rudolph is left red -nosed -faced after Morkel finds Prior’s edge. It zips to gully, perhaps a foot off the deck, where Rudolph spills it. One of those that fall into the centre of the Venn diagram of Tough and Should have been held.

107th over: England 297-6 (Prior 17, Bresnan 3) Kallis seems to be physically tiring just a touch now, but the brain is still running at full pelt. Again he almost flummoxes the batsman with an inswinger that Prior leaves then watches fizz worryingly close to the off stump. Kallis’s spell: 4-4-0-1

106th over: England 297-6 (Prior 17, Bresnan 3) Morkel has been looking to rough Prior up with his short stuff, but it’s been hit-and-miss. Prior goes on the offensive with a mighty pull – the sort of pull that wears leather boots and drives a truck – that breaks the shackles somewhat.

105th over: England 291-6 (Prior 11, Bresnan 2) Kallis, a fusion of bowling machine and oak wardrobe, keeps it neat and tidy again. The threat level just fading a touch …

“I was actually rather dreading England easing to 500 for this innings,” writes Tom Bonsell confusingly. “Lord knows it wouldn’t be a) Cricket b) English and c) Summer if we didn’t have a batting collapse and miserable weather to moan about. I, for one, can’t wait for the inevitable conversations down the pub this weekend, all of which will no doubt start with: ‘Urrrrggghhh….we could’ve made a real statement of intent there…’”

104th over: England 290-6 (Prior 11, Bresnan 2) This is what South Africa were supposed to bring to the table in this series – unrelenting pressure. Pretty much every other team in world cricket (bar England?) have a bowler or two to keep out, then a couple of which to plunder. South Africa, with Steyn, Philander, Morkel and Kallis in these conditions, don’t offer that respite. And, predictably, after typing that Morkel bowls the worst over of the day so far – too short and too wide, with a couple of no balls thrown in for good measure.

“Early afternoon Ashdown, early afternoon everybody,” begins optismism’s Josh Robinson. “It’s all very well for Naylor to contemplate a Brearleyesque declaration, but even Brearley never quite had a lower order of quite this quality at his disposal. The runs scored by Swann and Broad were invaluable in the 2009 Ashes, and now they’re both batting a place lower. Even from this position I wouldn’t bet against England to get close to or even above 400.”

103rd over: England 286-6 (Prior 11, Bresnan 1) Kallis threatens to do unto Bresnan as he did unto Bell – the batsman leaves, but this time the ball is a whisker away from the stumps. Another inswinger ambles through the gate as Bresnan aims an airshot drive through the covers.

102nd over: England 286-6 (Prior 11, Bresnan 1) And with England reeling, in comes Morne Morkel to skim one past Prior’s edge and then end the over by getting England’s wicketkeeper hopping and fending at a bouncer, clipping the top edge but landing safe a couple of yards from the crease. “Should England essay a Brearleyeeque declaration and get Jimmy on?” ponders Gary Naylor. “In these conditions, he might bowl them out twice by tea.”

101st over: England 284-6 (Prior 10, Bresnan 0) That was quite beautiful from Kallis – a little symphony of an over. England are 17 for three this morning, from 11 overs.

WICKET! Bell b Kallis 13 (England: 284-6) We’re in proper collapse territory now. Kallis comes into the attack and finds some meaty movement off the seam, movement enough to do for Bell. A couple move away, the next goes straight on and the fourth jags back in an clips the top of the off bail with Bell playing no stroke.

100th over: England 284-5 (Bell 13, Prior 10) Prior, looking about as comfortable as a plump chicken stuck in a lift with Fantastic Mr Fox, drives wildly at one is is fortunate to see it squirt low through the slips for four more. Philander offers relief with a no ball and then a wide one but this time Prior misses out.

99th over: England 279-5 (Bell 13, Prior 6) Steyn strays wide and Prior gratefully smashes the thing square for four. Two balls later it shout be all over for Ian Bell – Prior cuts low and charges off for a single but Alviro Peterson makes a fine diving stop in the gully. Both batsmen are stuck in the middle of the track, with Bell plodding on knowing his goose is probably cooked, but the shy at the stumps is wild and wide.

98th over: England 273-5 (Bell 12, Prior 1) “Is it me, or is it just blindingly obvious that Bopara is not and never will be a Test-class player?” roars John Cox. “I don’t know anyone who thinks he is or ever will be, with the exception of the England selectors.” It’s pretty clear there’s a nugget of brilliance in there – bringing it out is the issue. And, to be fair, South Africa are a changed team here, herring turned hammerheads. Philander whisks two past Prior’s outside edge then a third low off the edge and into the turf towards first slip.

97th over: England 273-5 (Bell 12, Prior 1) Steyn’s dander is very much up – nostrils flared, the shard of steel in the eye, the classic there’s-so-much-fury-in-here-I-can-barely-keep-it-in jaw. Prior gets hammered on the pad, and another appeal falls on deaf ears – it’s clipping but Smith and co sensibly opt not to refer.

96th over: England 272-5 (Bell 12, Prior 0) “On behalf of England fans everywhere, I’d like to throttle thank Tim Lester (91st over) for applying the finest kiss of death to a batsman I’ve ever seen. Chapeau,” writes Neil Withers. “And there goes Bopara – it was so good it did for two of them!” The glacial iceberg certainty of day one has been replaced by the slushy meltwater of doubt this morning. Steyn has done the damage, but Philander has played his part. Again he keeps Bell honest with an over of Boa-like tightness.

95th over: England 272-5 (Bell 12, Prior 0) So, with Steyn having found his missing mojo, England are 3 for 2 so far today.

WICKET! Bopara 0 c De Villers b Steyn (England 272-5) Yuk. This is ugly. Steyn had already stung a static Bopara on the knee roll, but opted against a review, but the next is banged in short, Bopara begins a hook, then opts out but leaves his bat dangling a shoulder height – a feathery top edge goes through to Steyn. Not one for Ravi’s Big Book of Fond Cricket Memories.

94th over: England 272-4 (Bell 12, Bopara 0) So then, an intriguing little innings for Ravi Bopara, for whom three is the magic number. It’s over three years since the last of his three Test-match tons, and this is perhaps his third chance to cement a place in the side. Philander keeps it tight, just a leg bye from the over.

93rd over: England 271-4 (Bell 12, Bopara 0) That was a cracking piece of bowling by Steyn, a wicket earned with three or four balls worth of accurate, smart stuff.

WICKET! Cook 115 b Steyn (England: 271-4) A collector’s item here – Cook edges! It was a little grope outside off stump, played with soft enough hands (and thanks to the lack of pace in the pitch) that dropped a good couple of yards short of Graeme Smith at first slip. But two balls later, he’s gone! Steyn shaped this one back in, found the inside edge and the stumps. As predicted, there was that brief moment of disbelieving shock before the applause began.

92nd over: England 271-3 (Cook 115, Bell 12) Vernon Philander, the first Test match Vernon in over a century, rumbles in from the other end. Third up he thwocks Cook on the top of the pad sparking an appeal that was, like the ball, slightly OTT. Some decent movement in the air, though.

91st over: England 269-3 (Cook 114, Bell 11) Unlike yesterday, it’s Dale Steyn to bowl the first over of the day. Bell and Cook are neatly watchful to some quick, straight stuff.

“I once had the privilege of seeing A Cook bat as a schoolboy,” writes Tim Lester. “I was escorting a team of slightly hapless schoolboys from Sydney around England on tour. They/we pitched up at Cook’s school where a former colleague of mine said that they had a ‘quite good’ batter as their captain. First ball of the day Cook creamed (there is no other word) the ball at mid-on who just about parried it, preventing the first of the many boundaries to follow. ‘Thanks,’ I said to my former colleague. ‘This bloke is going to be fun for my 15 year old bowlers to toil against.’ He scored a faultless 100. It was exactly like yesterday’s effort. Certain, serene, measured, flourishless, modestly carried out, tinged with the inevitable. The bloke is our era’s Hammond. I suspect he will be regarded as quite a lot better than Gooch. I hope he gets a double today. Here’s to him *sound of Australian Chardonnay being glugged*.”

Here come the umpires, followed in short order by the players.

10.52am: Weather watch dept. After a quick soaking as I ran to the shop to buy cat food at 7.30 this morning I can confirm there is plenty of rain about in the London area, and the forecast isn’t great. This afternoon is likely to be very disrupted, but we should get some play before lunch as the gloaming gloomy skies over The Oval are thus far hanging on to their watery payload.

In South Africa’s defence this pitch could not have been much friendlier to the batsmen if it had hopped up and offered to give Jonathan Trott a backrub. A couple of quick wickets under the cloudy south London skies this morning and they’ll be right back in the game. That’s easier said that done, though, with Cook in the sort of form that means when his wicket finally falls, as it surely will at some point, there’ll be a disbelieving hush around The Oval before the applause begins.

… yesterday Cook tapped and tickled the ball around with the sort of perfect ease that (unfortunately) reminded me of this chap:

Morning all. Alastair Cook resumes of 114 at The Oval this morning in the middle of an innings in which at times yesterday could make you believe that the last 135 years of Test match history were something of a sham. For a century and a bit of batsmen have been making the art of scoring runs look so difficult … 

Face it, this Test series is a case of seeing if our South Africans are better than South Africa’s South Africans

In the buildup to the first Test at The Oval it was tempting to dwell, as ever, on the centrality of Kevin Pietersen to English cricket’s rather circumscribed sense of theatre. This time the KP-chat was fuelled by his own self-induced omission from England’s Twenty20 squad, a botched dramatic exit reminiscent of a man very theatrically storming out of a hotel meeting room only to find himself staring at the inside of a broom cupboard and having to flounce back into the room a few moments later and ask for directions to the lifts. There have been a few false dawns, but it is probably safe to say that for English cricket this was the week when Pietersen started to say goodbye – and to say hello to whatever mixed bag of wallet-plumping internationalism he can cobble together out of the disparate strands of big-money disco-cricket.

And good luck to him. Pietersen has been the most successful England batsman of the last 40 years, a sui generis blend of telescopically gifted athleticism, obsessive practice and that rare sporting third eye that allows him to commit himself to moments of pure imagination at the crease. It has all been great fun, and even – it is perhaps safe to say – not as damaging to English cricket’s quavering, sodden, jealously-guarded soul as some might have feared.

In fact, the real story at the start of a series of unprecedented shared South Africanism – a mutual Boer-fest whereby 15 players out of the current 22 were either born or live in South Africa – is that this has not necessarily been an era of Pietersen-led mass-invasion after all. Instead it looks like a time of unusually febrile South African ascent generally. England may win this series, but no amount of triumphalism can disguise the fact that South African cricket has enjoyed the most extraordinarily pervasive seeping out in the last 10 years and that any England victory is going to look, to some degree, like a case of our South Africans being better than their South Africans. World rankings aside it is South Africans, not Englishmen, who seem intent on domination by stealth of every cricketing theatre, a replicant army of multi-format adventurers, abseiling in through the castle windows armed with just a whip, a satchel and a reliable turn in clear-the-front-leg death-over hitting.

It has been a largely unremarkable ascent. South African cricket, for all the charms of bowling attacks past and current, lacks the big-note charisma of the West Indies (the world still awaits its Fire in Durban docu-pic), or the sense of tearful widescreen rural self-mythologising of Australian baggy green-ism. Instead they just always seem to be there, relentlessly competent, and now, in terms of spread, the single dominant nationality in world cricket. There were 21 South African players in the IPL this year (Robert Frylinck, anyone? David Miller?) while at least 50 South Africans are playing county cricket this season, albeit here the lines blur: Craig Kieswetter is not South African, but he is still, let’s face it, South African. And at the head of this column of hardy settlers is Pietersen, England’s own carnival queen, beaming and prancing and tossing flowers into the crowd while behind him others get down to the unseen work of quietly insistent universal Saffer-age.

Albeit, it seems likely that in England we may have already passed the high summer of all this. During the six-year period between 2004 and 2010 – what you could call the Biltong Years – there were 27 England Test debuts, of which seven were genuine ringers who learned their cricket elsewhere. Of these just two, KP and Jonathan Trott, were actually South Africans (in Geraint Jones, Darren Pattinson and Tim Ambrose England actually picked more Australians in this period).

As a pair Pietersen and Trott have provided the most brilliantly contrasting response to assimilation. Pietersen, tattoos aside, has been unbendingly himself. Perhaps the most endearing thing about him is that, even after all these years, he still appears to believes at bottom that he is the chosen one, a visitor from Pluto, and not just an important member of England’s middle order, but the most important single personage in all cricket, and perhaps also – why not? – the world.

Trott on the other hand has emerged as almost parody of Englishness, a Dick Van Dyke cockney representation of crabbed middle order anti-glamour, hurling himself into the role with the zeal of a Morris-dancing American. As a young man in Cape Town Trott was chastised for his excessively extrovert shot-making but in his Anglo-guise he has arrived at a self-manacling minimalism, his flashiest moment that distinctive leg-side hop, not so much a hook shot as a distracted revolving swat, like a man throwing a stick into the sea for his dog. But really Trott’s best shot is no shot at all, his ability to leave, to do nothing, to simply stand there. “Trott sways out of the way … Trott leaves this one alone.” It is now a summer soundtrack, and one that seems above all to work. There have been four other England batsmen with 2,500 Test runs and a higher average and they all have the kind of names that tend to crop up on the ancient gnarled brown cricket bats of empire (Hammond, Hobbs, Sutcliffe, Hutton and now Trott).

In more recent times, perhaps, it would be best to acknowledge that South Africa has simply been enjoying its own rather overlooked golden age of Test batsmanship, admittedly a double-barrelled golden age bolstered by accidents of birth (the temporary borrowing back of Andrew Strauss and Matt Prior for one). Birth certificates on the table, though: since 2009 England have scored 33 Test hundreds, 18 of which have come from South Africa-born players and 13 from those born in England. Only two English-born specialist batsmen have scored Test hundreds in the past three years, surely an all-time low. Meanwhile, South Africans have scored only eight more Test hundreds for South Africa since 2009 than they have for England in a combined SA-sourced total of 44, some achievement for a nation that – sorry, cricket – is still rather more in thrall to rugby, football and the outdoor consumption of charred meat.

Albeit, South African cricket may be on the verge of losing its most hospitable partner-nation. The jazzily inclusive Anglo-multiculturalism of which Pietersen appeared to be a gaily coloured harbinger will probably not now come to pass, what with the recent extension of the residency qualification period and the decision by many counties to make an effort to “go native” in the face of a sudden theme pub overload of jobbing post-colonials. We should enjoy it while we can. Win or lose it is time to acknowledge, however grudgingly, the diffuse but still irresistible Protean dawn.

• First home Test to lose opening two days for 48 years
• Broad could come in for Swann in tactical reshuffle

For the second successive day, play was abandoned at Edgbaston with a ball not bowled, the first time this has happened in a Test match in this country for 48 years. Only once, 10 years earlier, also at Lord’s when England played Pakistan, have the first three days of a home Test been washed out. With a more promising forecast, and better drying facilities, that seems unlikely to be matched on this occasion.

Having spent upwards of £32m in developing Edgbaston into a world class facility with a 25,000 capacity – second only to Lord’s – Warwickshire, without a further Test match in the next two years, and especially having missed out on next summer’s Ashes, needed a successful Test financially to help justify the expense. Next year will see them host Champions Trophy matches including the final, but 2014 is blank in terms of major matches. They have diversified sufficiently in terms of banqueting and conference facilities to increase their income considerably but cricket, as would be expected, remains the core business.

Pre-sales for this Test had been good despite the dead nature of the series although there will be little loss from this for Warwickshire will be covered by the ECB’s pluvius insurance which means that around 35,000 spectators will get a full refund minus a small administration fee. Shortfalls will have occurred in the bars and food outlets, many of them franchises, although there may be some compensation in better crowds for the fourth day’s play on Sunday.

Thus the final Test will be reduced to a three-day match, as if harking back to the old days of the County Championship. Overs will be added on to make up some of the lost time, but at a maximum of eight overs per day, not even close to sufficient to compensate. There is, however a cut-off point of 7pm which dictates such things. This does not mean that there will not be a full competitive match.

County matches were played to a conclusion without recourse to the sort of contrivance that dogged the championship before it switched to four day games while numerous Tests in recent times have finished in three days or thereabouts, and this pitch, having spent days under cover, is sure to be conducive to the seam bowlers.

That greatly increases the chances of Stuart Broad playing. Strong consideration has been given to resting him on the same basis as Jimmy Anderson (who is said not to be as peeved about it as has been made out), leaving an opportunity to see Steve Finn, Graham Onions and Tim Bresnan in direct competition in a match environment. But now Broad may play as one of four seamers, with Graeme Swann, who is within six wickets of overtaking Jim Laker as England’s most successful off-spinner – and of all spinners behind only Derek Underwood as most prolific spinner, albeit that by more than 100 wickets – the one who can have a break.

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Preamble Morning. Two days after completing a record partnership, the Fireman Sams need to do it again. If Marlon Samuels and Darren Sammy don’t come close to repeating their fire-fighting heroics of the first innings, England will win this comfortably, perhaps even by lunch. West Indies resume on 61 for six, effectively three for six, after a merciless performance from England’s seamers yesterday evening. The big cheese was Tim Bresnan, who took three wickets and bowled beautifully with the old ball. In two Tests at Trent Bridge he averages 70 with the bat and 15 with the ball. Not bad for a stout lad.

• West Indies 304-6 v England

A cloudless azure sky, a warm breeze, a perfect pitch and a full house at Trent Bridge: it was a proper day to be alive and at the cricket and there was play to savour as West Indies dug in and fought back admirably after the England bowlers had threatened to overrun them, so that a fruitless final session saw the home side get more ratty by the minute. By the close of the first day West Indies, opting to bat first, had reached 304 for six, having survived 10 overs of the second new ball by good fortune but without mishap.

If this is still short of what ought to be adequate on a surface that offered something for the new ball first thing but little beyond that – a first-innings score of 400 minimum was the consensus of the sages at the ground – then it represents riches after they were 136 for six midway through the afternoon.

For this recovery they have to thank, first of all and yet again, the diligence and sheer bloody-mindedness of Shivnarine Chanderpaul who, crabbing his familiarly eccentric way across the crease, not only cobbled together 46 in adversity but showed the way so that for the second match in a row Marlon Samuels responded in kind, batting beautifully for an unbeaten 107, only the third hundred of a 39-match career spanning a dozen years, and a measured, well-judged innings at odds with the profligate reputation gained over that time. This ought to have been a considerable batsman.

Later, when on review Chanderpaul had been lbw to give Graeme Swann his first Test wicket on his home ground, Darren Sammy, the cheerful put-upon captain, added impetus to the innings with a more robust unbeaten 88, fortuitous in its later stages against the new ball but already by 27 the highest score of his career. Together Samuels and Sammy have added an unbroken 168 for the seventh wicket, frustrating their hosts.

England would have hoped for better things in the belief that there would be more for the bowlers to exploit than proved the case. When Sammy won the toss, Strauss’s reaction was to suggest that he, too, would have batted first but there is also the belief, a very modern one, that pitches today tend to give the most help in the first hour or so before flattening out: he did not look too disconcerted.

In fact, for a ground that has a well-earned reputation for swing, there was little of it, and no more movement off the seam than might be expected from a new ball. The wickets which England gained, therefore, owed much to the inexperience of the batting, with Adrian Barath falling to a stunning one-handed catch at third slip by Jimmy Anderson, as if reaching up to pluck an apple from a tree, and both Kirk Edwards, yet to reach double figures on the tour, and Darren Bravo falling to Anderson.

When Kieran Powell drove at a wide ball from Broad and was well taken at slip by Anderson once more, West Indies were 63 for four and teetering.

This is the point at which England might have benefited from the extra pace of Steven Finn rather than the reliability of Tim Bresnan, who bowled better than his figures suggested at Lord’s but was not misrepresented here. With more pace and bounce in the pitch, England’s plans for Chanderpaul included placing a man at leg gully and greater use of the short ball. Anderson’s first delivery to him, a snorter, all but brought his wicket as he was caught unawares, the ball clipping his shoulder as he took evasive action and careering on for four leg-byes. But beyond that opening he was not threatened as he might have been and gradually he dug in as the ball softened, adding 62 with Samuels to steady things.

By now Samuels had played himself in and, although he lost Dinesh Ramdin to a bail-trimmer from Bresnan that sneaked through the gate, he was joined by Sammy. It is hard not to have admiration for the captain for here is a fellow who on the face of it represents the archetypical bits and pieces cricketer, a decent limited-overs cricketer, but good enough with neither bat nor ball to be a Test cricketer of consequence.

Yet his influence on the side is evident: somehow he has galvanised them, not into a dynamic match-winning unit but one determined to give an account of itself. So while Samuels unveiled some classical cover driving and backfoot off-side play, intermingled with the most solid defence over almost five hours, Sammy offered the counterpoint, ensuring that the board did not stagnate and taking that imperative away from Samuels. He, too, drove strongly, using his long reach and levers, and once planted Swann over long-off with the semblance of a mis-hit.

So rapid was his progress for a while that he looked as if he might outrun Samuels to three figures. But then came the second new ball and, in the last half-hour of the day, Anderson turned him inside out, this way and that, but ultimately to no avail. Boundaries came off the edge and the back of the bat as he worked to midwicket.

When Anderson beat him three times in a row, he responded by belting the next ball back past him, salt rubbed firmly into the wound. Anderson was already not in great humour. That almost tipped him over the edge.

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“Oh Rob,” ohrobs Abhinav Ramnarayan. “I try to keep an open mind every time England play.. but you guys do make it hard for us neutrals. A definitive statement that Jimmy Anderson is the best swing bowler in the world is at best a subjective statement.”

Of course it’s subjective. This is a blog, not a judicial review. But I can’t think of a better one. Like many folk, I think Dale Steyn is the best fast bowler in the world and Anderson the best swing bowler. Is that really so outlandish?

Pre-match links

1. Snuggle up in nostalgia’s abundant bosom with this recollection of England 0-4 West Indies in 1988. Seven changes for one Test? Never mind a foreign country; the past of English cricket is in a galaxy far, far away.

2. Do your good deed for the day.

3. ZX Radiohead.

West Indies have won the toss and will bat first. Darren Sammy says it was a “straightforward” decision on what looks like a very good track. Andrew Strauss says he would also have batted, but he doesn’t look like his world has ended.

England are unchanged, so there’s still no room for Steven Finn or Graham Onions. West Indies bring in Ravi Rampaul and the offspinner Shane Shillingford for Fidel Edwards and Shannon Gabriel.

England Strauss (c), Cook, Trott, Pietersen, Bell, Bairstow, Prior (wk), Bresnan, Broad, Swann, Anderson.

West Indies Barath, Powell, Edwards, Darren Bravo, Chanderpaul, Samuels, Ramdin (wk), Sammy (c), Rampaul, Roach, Shillingford.

Preamble Swing bowling is one of life’s great mysteries, up there with belly-button fluff (where does it come from?), the opposite sex and what happened to Valery in the woods. One thing we can say with reasonable certainty, however, is that the ball will move around at Trent Bridge. It’s the swinging field of world cricke, and it’s also been a killing field for England in recent times: their last three Tests here have been won by an innings and nine runs, 354 runs and 319 runs. The most recent of thos was a devastating rout of India a year ago, which has a case for being the greatest England performance of the last 25 years. (I have a soft spot for the vigilante demolition of South Africa at The Oval in 1994, since you asked.)

The best swing bowler in the world, Jimmy Anderson, has a sensational record here, with 33 wickets at 17.45. Only Alec Bedser has taken more Test wickets at Trent Bridge. Stuart Broad gives good Statsguru as well, with 15 wickets at 16.33 on his home ground, including a hat-trick in that India Test. Tim Bresnan also had a wonderful match last year, although he could be replaced by Steven Finn.

The warm weather should sap some life from the pitch and the atmosphere, but you suspect England will enjoy this game more than they did the first Test at Lord’s. It used to be that England got a nosebleed when they went 1-0 up in a home series. That was then and this is now.